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To be, or not to be.
what the fuck. I mean seriously. You either are, or you
aren't. Am I a Biopsychologist, or am I a Journalist. Am I
a thinker, or am I a do-er. Am I a musician or am I an
abstract. Who AM I?
My idea's change like diets of plump kids. I'm not really sure
what that means, but hey..there you go. One year my dream is to
write/produce/perform my music for anyone who will listen, but decide
quickly the only way that would happen is if I were a hobo on the
streets of New York and I hear that isn't the safest of jobs. The
next year is 'oh gee Adrianne. Why don't you kill yourself with the
idea of pyschology for the rest of your life so you just have to listen
rather than talk.' But then another year passes and I'm back to
the idea of writing. I don't have to talk..which is good..and
writing is fun. generally. at least when papers aren't due in a few
hours..But I'm not good enough for that either. Now, my mother
says my problem is I'm good at a lot of things...neglecting to finish
her sentence out loud, and instead, tells herself how I'm not greally
great at any one thing. So where does that leave me, the mediocre
civilian desperately trying to grasp at realities failures?...
I'll tell ya where. It leaves me up an alley in Chicago not
knowing which way is North and which way is South. I mean..when
the sun is down it's kinda hard to tell.
In conclusion. It's not if you will be, it's not if you
were..it's what you are. And once you find that..you'll be okay.
I hope...but then again I was the one drawing cartoons in Philosophy...
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| Things I did today:
1. dropped my soap in the shower and nailed my head on the wall.
2. made friends at work.
3. dropped a knife on my foot.
4. misplaced the edge of the door.
5. dropped my nose ring down the drain.
6. set my car alarm off while driving it.
7. dropped a plate in the trash can at work.
8. laughed at a germ-o-phobe.
9. dropped a handful of chips on the ground.
10. stopped at a green light.
11. dropped a soda off the top of my car.
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I don't understand why even the simplist of things can't be resolved in a nice way around my house.
My entire family plans a trip up to New York to see my sister and
'forgets' to tell me about it until all the planning is done and set in
stone. I guess it doesn't matter I feel overwhelmingly left
out.
I get a job at Chili's and my dad overlooks the fact that I actually
did get a job and remarks in a judgemental voice that, "oh, you should
have gotten one a long time ago". whatever. I can be proud of
myself.
Continuously I inform my parents that I may be different, but I need
some positive reinforcement sometimes..which is most often followed by,
"well your brother and sister turned out just fine and we did nothing
different." Just..forget it.
I'm hurt, I'm alone, and all I wanted was a little family support, but I guess that can't happen.
I can't wait to show them all the video I set up in my room that has
caught every single person in my room snooping around and eating the
cake I was supposed to be saving for someone else. I can't wait
to shove it in their faces the way they shove the fact that I was a
mistake in mine.
I'm over it.
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